"An epic poem is, at its root, simply a tale that is told ... For this hero, mere survival is the most amazing feat of all." -- Emily Wilson, in the introduction of her translation of The Odyssey.

Remember Odysseus, who conquered Troy? The one who lost his men at sea, the dipshits who fatally pissed off Hyperion the Sun God for feasting upon his cattle?

The plan was set. Mercury would campaign Calypso to free Odysseus from her clutches, while Athena herself traveled to Ithaca, Odysseus' home, to rally his son, Telemachus, to rid his father's home of all the greedy suitors to his mother, and to go search for his father.

The young prince Telemachus was hanging around the fam's castle, increasingly fed up with all these sycophantic suitors sucking up to Mom, Penelope, and wearing down his long-lost father's riches with all their feasting, dancing, and having their hands washed by his family's servants. These suitors were all like "Telemachus, you old man be dead. Get over it."

So sweet goodess Athena rolls into the castle, pulling the prince aside and asking what up with all this?

Athena convinced Telemachus to go find out what happened to his father, and either to bring him home or to let his Mom know once and for all of her husband's death. So despite derision from the suitors, who had a vested interest in letting things be, Telemachus set sail to search for his pop. Athena gave the boat a fair wind that "bellied out" the sails and pushed it to the first destination, Pylos, home of the mighty charioteer Nestor.

Young Telemachus, not being cultivated at idle chitchat, was intimidated by Nestor. But Athena reassured him. His cause was just, the words he would need would come to him. "Some things, Telemachus," she said, "will be suggested to you by your own instinct, and heaven will prompt you further; for I am assured that the gods have been with you from the time of your birth until now."

Troy was a shitshow, Nestor recalled to Telemachus. So many battles, so many raids for plunder, so many dead. For nine years, Nestor, Odysseus and their men "wove a web of disaster" for the Trojans. Nestor was tight with Odysseus then, but after the battles, he beat a quick retreat, leaving Odysseus behind, fate unknown.

Nestor urged to go see Menelaus. Menelaus, after the battles he shared with Nestor and Odysseus, had also taken too long to return to return home, instead spending time collecting gold from far off lands. In the absence of Menelaus' brother, Agamemnon who was murdered by Aegisthusm and his wife, whom he seduced. Agamemnon's son Orestes took revenge, murdering both of them.

Let that be lesson to you, boy, not to stay away from the home too long, especially as the suitors are getting more bold in Odysseus' absence.

"Press him yourself, to tell the whole truth. He'll never lie. The man is far too wise,” Nestor said.

They were to take off in the morning. But first, to celebrate Telemachus journey and his favor from the goddess Athena, a feat was in order, to start the day.

“Now I will sacrifice a yearling heifer, broad-browed and still unyoked, and gild her horns with gold to bless your journey,” Nestor proclaimed, and a feast ensued:

When the rites were finished, mighty Thrasymedes struck. The axe sliced through the sinews of the neck. The cow was paralyzed. Then Nestor’s daughters and his sons’ wives, and his own loyal queen, Eurydice, began to chant. The men hoisted the body, and Pisistratus sliced through her throat. Black blood poured out. The life was gone. They butchered her, cut out the thighs, all in the proper place, and covered them.

After the feast, Nestor equipped Telemachus and his men with a carriage and horses to help him on his way, including his son, Pisistratus, to see King Menelaus, in Sparta, who was married to the beautiful Helen.

When the pair arrived, they found the King holding a wedding, betrothing his daughter to the son of Achilles, as well was welcoming a wife for his son, Megapenthes.

Menelaus did not immediately recognize Telemachus nor Pisistratus but figured them for sons of kings given their natty attire, and welcomed them into his home. Given he was fed by many hosts in his own travels, Menelaus welcomed the boys into his home and worked up a feast for them. They were indeed hungry from their journey.

The boys admired the King's luxurious castle. It was no easy feat to obtain, Menelaus said. He was adrift at sea for over eight years, accumulating wealth through the Middle East. But while he was gone, his brother was murdered by his wife. He wish he would have stayed, even if it meant he would have only a portion of his wealth.

Eyeing Telemachus, the King saw the boy resembled his father.So the King said he too was at Troy, and one man he did not envy was Odysseus, for his very “destiny was suffering.” Menelaus didn’t know if Odysseus was still alive.

Helen emerged from the bedroom and immediately recognized Telemachus. The Goddess Helen mixed drugs into the wine so everyone would quit crying in sorrow and in rage.

She then conveyed what a mighty warrior Odysseus was. She told a story about Odysseus in Troy, of how he dressed as a beggar to learn the secret planes of the people of Troy, and then how, on his way back, he killed many a Trojan.

She also relayed how Odysseus and Menelaus were among those in the Trojan Horse and even though Goddess Helen tempted them and the other men inside by calling their names in the voices of their wives, it was Odysseus who held the other men back from speaking.

The traveling pair slept on the front porch that night, and in the morning Menelaud asked Telemachus what his business was. He told him he was looking for Odysseus and that suitors were eating down his estate.

(Summary in progress: Check back for updates)